Ana Valdez: Hello everyone, and welcome. I’m excited to have you here today as we explore the five coaching survival phrases.

Take a minute and think back to a coaching moment where you felt unsure about what to say or wish you’d held back (rather than that happened to all of us.)

Maybe it was a tricky conversation with a teacher who was resistant, (that never happens), or a moment when emotions ran high.

These phrases help us navigate those moments with intentionality and care.

Take a moment to silently recall one such coaching moment from your experience. What made it difficult and how did you feel about it?

​Keep that in mind as we explore how language and tone create space for trust and reflection.

​Let’s talk a little bit about the power of tone, timing and trust.

​Language is more than words. The tone shapes how the message lands.

​For example, “say more about that” can feel inviting to someone, or it can also feel interrogating, depending on how it’s said.​

Timing is also crucial. Sometimes coaches feel pressure to fill the silence, but silence allows thinking and emotions to surface.​

If you’ve ever been in a session with me, you know that I love wait time because it allows the thoughts to come to the forefront of our mind.​

The brain’s threat detection system, (which I learned has a name), is called the amygdala, which determines if someone feels safe enough to listen or if they’re feeling attacked.

​Now I learned about this amygdala hijack while I was doing a little bit of research for this session. So the amygdala hijack, think about it as a fight or flight or freeze response. So whenever a teacher feels judged, their amygdala might hijack the conversation, causing that person to shut down or push back.

​And this just doesn’t think about conversations you’ve had with friends or family members.

This is something that happens often, but as coaches, our goal is to keep that learning brain engaged, not hijacked.

​These brief and neutral phrases are going to help lower the defensiveness and invite curiosity, and that’s something we want to do.

So for example, instead of “you should do this differently,” saying something like, “What might that look like?” That difference in question is going to invite the teacher to explore options without feeling criticized.

​Have you ever noticed moments in your coaching when you could have avoided defensiveness with a simple phrase?​

Probably have.​

How might your coaching change if you intentionally slowed down and let space open for reflection? Do you think it would make a difference?

I believe it could. So I’m going to introduce you to the five coaching survival phrases that you can keep in your back pocket and pull out as you need as you’re having those coaching conversations.

​So here they are. And listen for the invitation in each.

​Say more about that.” What might that look like? What’s most important here? How can I support you?

Let’s pause.​

I want you to notice how each phrase keeps the coachee at the center. Let’s take some time to unpack each one briefly.

So, say more about that.

Saying something like this is going to invite elaboration, and it’s going to help uncover any underlying beliefs or emotions.

It’s powerful when a coachee says something vague or emotional instead of rushing to interpret or advise, we ask them to expand.

​So an example is that a teacher could say “I’m frustrated with my classroom.”

​Instead, she could say more about that and the teacher is going to help her expand our second coaching phrase.

What might that look like?

This is going to encourage imagining new possibilities or strategies. It’s future-focused, and it opens up creative thinking.

It’s going to help move that coachee from a fixated problem that they may be experiencing, something they’re fixated on, to solution exploration.

What might it look like if you tried a new seating arrangement to reduce distractions?

That’s going to help that teacher do some future thinking and a little bit of solution exploration.​

Next one, What’s most important here?

It’s going to help prioritize, prioritize and focus on core issues. It’s going to cut through overwhelming and it clarifies values or goals. It invites the coachee to lead the agenda.

​And if you think about our rubric and when you submitted your coaching conversations, remember parity, it’s when we want that coachee to lead.

​We want that coachee to have either equal or more voice in that coaching conversation.

​So for example, out of everything you just mentioned, I’m the coach and I’m saying out of everything you just mentioned, what’s most important to address right now?

​Our next coaching phrase is: “How can I support you?” So simple, right? How can I support you?

​It centers the coach as a partner, not a fixer. We’re not there to fix, and we’ve said this in other sessions, the coach is not there to fix. We are there to partner with our coachees.

​So saying “How can I support you?” It’s going to center the coach as a partner, not a fixer. It respects the coach’s autonomy and expertise. They know more than they think they do.

​So saying something like that is going to open up that coachee’s autonomy and let them shine a little bit of their expertise. It’s going to invite collaboration, and it’s going to build trust.

If a coachee knows that you’re there to support them, you are building trust.

​So if I’m the coach, I would say something like, how can I support you in trying out this new approach?

​And finally, let’s pause. 2 words. Very powerful.

It gives us permission to slow down, regulate our emotions or reflect. It is especially useful when the conversations get heated or rushed.

​We all need to stop and pause because it’s going to allow us that time to bring everything down. It’s going to model emotional intelligence and self-regulation.

So, for example, as the coach, I can say, “let’s pause for a moment and think about what you just shared.”

​So that is an example of our five coaching survival phrases and what they might look like and what they need.

​Let’s talk a little bit about navigating common coaching challenges with those survival phrases.

​Resistance is a normal part of coaching, OK? We know that. We’ve experienced it. We’ve all come across that resistance is a normal part of coaching, and those survival phrases are going to act like emotional anchors.

​For example, when a teacher pushes back instead of arguing, let’s say something like, “say more about that because I want to understand your perspective.”

​If a coachee feels overwhelmed, or saying “let’s pause” can create calm.

​When a teacher is vague or unfocused, and we say something like “What’s more important here?”  that can bring clarity. Using “what might that look like” is going to open the door without pressure.

​We’re not pressuring any opinions when we asked what that might look like. We’re opening that door without any pressure.

And ending a coaching conversation with “how can I support you?” is going to build a collaborative mindset.

Because remember, you’re not there to fix, you’re there to partner. And partnering means collaboration. So when you say how can I support you, that’s going to build a collaborative mindset.

And remember, tone changes everything.

You want warmth and curiosity, never ever in patience or judgment.

​I want you to think about a time when you experienced resistance. Which phrase could have shifted that energy and how?

​Let’s talk a little bit about coaching presence and building trust and agency.

​Your presence, the way you show up emotionally and verbally, is going to set the tone for the coaching relationship.

​And again, going back to that coaching rubric, we know that tone is one of those areas in the rubric.

​So the way you show up, the way you thank your coachee for their time, the way you thank their coachee for taking the time to meet with you, that’s going to set the tone for a good coaching relationship.

Intentional presence could mean something like listening deeply, being curious and holding space for that coachee.

We talked earlier about that silence. That we feel pressure to fill in the silence. Remember that the silence allows emotions and thoughts to come up to the surface.

Survival phrases are going to give you those verbal tools to do just that.

When you use the phrases with genuine interest, trust will grow. Remember, the key there is genuine interest. When you use these phrases with genuine interest, trust is going to grow, and so is that partnership and collaboration, and all that is going to eventually lead to positive child outcomes.

Trust is going to lead to vulnerability, and vulnerability opens the door for real growth. OK, being vulnerable will open the door for growth.

​An agency means the coachee feels in control and empowered to decide their own path.

So these phrases and using these phrases is going to help shift the dynamic from coaches as the expert to coach as a partner. And when that happens, it fosters sustainable change because people change when they feel ownership, right? People change when they feel ownership.

​It also aligns with adult learning principles: respecting learners, experiences and autonomy.

So instead of “you need to change this,” try saying something like ,”what’s most important here for you.”

Let’s talk about some practical tips for using these survival phrases.​

I want you to start by practicing these phrases in your own language. Why? Because we want them to sound natural. We want them to sound like the person you are.

Use them to interrupt your own urge to solve or to fix. We have a tendency as parents, as partners, as teachers, as coaches to fix.

And then we’re going to reiterate, as coaches, you’re not there to fix, you’re there to partner. And that partnership leads to collaborations.

So use them to stop that urge to fix or solve what they are experiencing.

I want you to pair these phrases with active listening behaviors, nodding, eye contact, silence. Get comfortable with the silence. OK? There’s power in silence.

Watch the coachee’s cues. If they seem defensive, slow down.

There’s nothing more important than knowing your audience. Know your coachee. If you’ve built that relationship with them, you should be able to read their cues. So if they seem defensive, slow down.

Remember that these phrases are not scripts, but flexible strategies. You use them as you need them.

OK, and consider journaling about coaching moments where you used or you wish you had used these phrases.

Try using one phrase as a focus for a week and see if it changes your coaching behavior. Focus on one at a time.

Think about asking a trusted colleague to give you feedback on your tone and timing.

Now that we’ve talked about those five coaching phrases, I want you to think about those phrases. Which one do you feel drawn to practice first and why?

​Think about the people you coach. Think about the people you interact with. And what phrase do you feel drawn to practice first and why?

​Before we wrap up this session, I invite you to choose one survival phrase as your anchor this week. I want you to practice it intentionally and observe how it changes your coaching conversations.

Remember, coaching is about saying enough and not saying too much, and I know that’s hard for us as coaches. Remember that your words carry immense power in tone, in your timing and your intention.

When you choose your language carefully, you’re going to create space for trust, for reflection and for growth.

​So I thank you for dedicating this time to deepening your coaching skills.

Please keep practicing and stay curious.​

Thank you for joining us today.